Smile My Smiles!

By Anima Dey
Bangkok, Thailand 

It was raining heavily that day and I was sitting in the hostel canteen. Something was very mysterious about the rain that day. Or was it just the picture my heart painted in gray? Rain drops were trickling down from leaves and glass windows bathed hazy with dew. The thunder was roaring wild as though ready to engulf half the world. Yet my heart was grooved with emptiness. I knew we would be all walking our miles from that day onwards, creating a history for our children to learn and value. As I always say -  Memories are “Lessons learnt, friends made, lives touched and dreams fulfilled”. Here we all were- on the threshold of building for ourselves the dreams our eyes abound, hopes our friendship nurtured, faith our hearts believed, smiles our lips smiled, & life our fates crafted.

 Everyone was packing their bags to leave for home. Another year of hard work at the university was over, for some it was their graduating year, for some, it was the beginning with few more years left in their stride. Chaos echoed in every room, as girls excited over reuniting with their family. Why didn’t I ever feel that way I often asked my angel? He just stared back from heaven and smiled that intriguing smile. Girls exchanged notes on where they will be going in vacations with their parents, some would go to a hill top to just relax amidst the valleys and mountains and some would go visit their grandparents, some would get married to their childhood love, some would fly abroad for further studies. What would I do I asked my angel, and all I got was that intriguing smile again. As we sat in the canteen for our last supper with friends I wished someone would swirl my world around with just a whirl of the magic wand.

 Zinnias’ granny was to take her back home. Zinnia – Blossoming Glory as she was called by her friends sat on the supper table, her eyes stretched far, her feelings mixed, she was excited to go back to granny after graduation yet she was reminiscing her years at the hostel & university. She had emerged as a woman in past years and the moments lived with friends and teachers had added to her already existing persona. As soon as the matron sent message for Zinnia she ran swiftly to the lobby landing straight into granny’s arms. Granny had certainly aged with time but the feel of Zinnia in her arms made her look so fresh. Three years back she didn’t have so many wrinkles of experience on her face as she had that day but her smile lit all her lines aglow with satisfaction of holding Zinnia again. She must have missed having her life – her darling Zinnia, besides her. Zinnia grew up in her granny’s strong & protective realm with complete liberty to demand anything anytime without having to worry if it was right time or the right place or the right thing. Granny’s wings had also protected her from changing weathers, yet there was a part of Zinnia that lived to feel abandoned and pained. She never shared that secret with anyone but there was something that was mournful and resentful in her soul deep within. Zinnia had passed out as a lovely young lady - Affectionate, caring and very accommodating with her friends and family. She bid adieu to all her friends and left with granny leaving behind her the footprints of her friendship.

Macy, the Docile Dove as she was called by her friends walked the aisle looking back at us, a smile on her lips, a tear in her eye, a frown on her forehead & friendship in her heart as her family and her fiancé waited for her down in their imported Honda. She was blushing as a blossom, tinge of sunshine on her vibrant face. Macy had completed her father’s dream to be an engineer, although her aspiration was that to be an architect. She looked and talked like a tigress but under covers she was a vulnerable angel, anybody could take her for a ride and when she’d realize she would roar like a tigress with no ear to heed her mournful roars. She hugged every one of us and left with her family sitting on the back seat besides her childhood love holding his hand. They exchanged glances and shared an exhilarating silence, as if no one existed. Daven & Macy had remained committed since she was in high school and her parents much against their wishes had extended complete support and trust for their future together. They just loved Macy so much and trusted her decisions completely so Macy and Daven had decided to take every step they took together under the parent’s umbrella.

 Viva – The Vibrant Diva as her friends referred to her with love was leaving for UK to pursue her Masters in architectural design.  She had always been a bright student and her parents being the professors of reputed university had ensured her complete guidance and support. Viva was much focused about life had been clear about not wanting to settle in any relationship until she held her doctorate in her hands. She wanted to work for a few years before thinking of marriage and having babies. Her parents had spent a lot of quality time with her, and despite busy schedules had woven moments together to have every meal with her where they would discuss her future plans. She was confident and mature girl heading into a world independently with no lines of fear on her fore head. She had been well prepared to face the challenges in life. She was taught that anxiety does not come from thinking about future rather from the thought of controlling your future. She lived these lessons of life & had complete faith in her aspirations & decisions. She left a confident hug for each of her friends who could inspire themselves in return from her consistency.

 Raina – the Petite Pet & truly she was a real pet, her daddy’s pet and our pet too. She was just so adorable. She also completed her engineering & had even topped the scores at varsity levels. She had the mind of a scientist & heart of an artiste. She never missed an opportunity to make small pop up cards for her friends and held in her soul an ocean of secret of all her friend’s experiences. She taught us that real friendship is an unshakable faith in what was once truly lived. Her friends had the liberty to wake her up anytime of the day or night and ask for help knowing she will give her rainbow smile and bear hug & seal her time to the need of friend’s emotional & social whims. She had also lost her mother when she was just 4 years. But daddy dear brought her up with utmost care and spent most of his time with her when she needed it the most. They shared a friendship one can only dream of. She was living every girl’s dream in fact. But no one ever felt jealous of her, in fact the days spent together she made sure we lived this as OUR dream. Daddy stood there with a broad grin and she just rushed to him & she left hand in hand with daddy, she left each of her friend a pop up of life’s lesson “Friendship does not exist to like, it exists to love…. Contrary to like love demands nothing in return…”. Only Raina could pass her aura on to others like this.

 Melanie – the Soulful Melody as her friends called her had lost her mother very early in life. She was the most sentimental of the lot. She had been exposed to rough weathers very early in life and that had made her very supple outwardly but she had been blessed with immense inner strength that no one could ever imagine, a strength that could enliven the spirits of anyone in pain, a faith that could bring a dead soul to life. She possessed a lyrical eloquence so powerful that its love caressed the heart and the ear, its beauty not only inspired but also healed. She had aspirations in her life to reach great heights and possessed all the qualities just like her mother. She was very close my heart and my biggest inspiration in life. She was good at almost everything in life except lying skillfully and hiding feelings secretly. We could read her face like barometer and her sentiments reached all her friend’s hearts without an effort. She had no one to come and pick her up that day. She just bid us soulful adieu and engraved in the hearts of all her friends words of wisdom from a great writer – “Now that we know we are not wiser than anybody else, does this wisdom make us any wiser?” Although she looked sad to leave her friends and part ways she managed to smile her tears away like always. She left in the taxi, her eyes engulfing all her sea of emotions within as she watched us out of sight.

 Sophie – the Day-Dreamer as her friends called her was the last one to bid adieu. Her Lover Stan held the umbrella for both of them and they both walked out of the gate patting the rain drops away and chuckling, they were getting married that night. Sofie had completed her course in fashion design & was also a classical Jazz & Ballet dancer. Stan was her life & they had committed their life to each other ever since they had danced together in the dance classes she was undertaking alongside with FD. She did not have her parent’s consent for this future relationship though. Her parents lived abroad and wanted her to return back and then look for suitable boy from the same community & country as herself. But she was determined to live her life on her terms. After meeting Stan her ideas of love and life had been greatly influenced by his. I had also attended the dance classes for a year with her, Stan & Sophie were often paired together for dance shows for their burning chemistry on stage. They just looked so beautiful dancing together that every time I saw them I wondered if anyone would ever come and hold me the way Stan held her. The passion his eyes showered on her, the smiles she smiled with him, and the dance they danced together was a divine union.

 The rain had now mellowed down and only a few drops that were resting on leaves found their way down slowly. Everyone left one by one and my eyes stretched far to see if anyone was out there waiting for me. Just the noise of busy feet only, none trespassing my way even by mistake. Along the misty hallway hovered clouds of silence, I felt I was left a lonesome rock, that rendered by the years had no one to talk. Like every other year I was all alone, I knew I had that pain with me where no one would ever want to dip their merriment. Yet my heart must breathe life with a hope that someday I will have my love to hold me and croon that tune I so desire to soothe my soul, to walk with me through dark nights & be my shining star, to share my pain as his belonging, to hold my tears in his ocean of emotions, to live my devotion as his belief, to bless my dawns with his sunshine, to hold my umbrella in the rains, and to dance that dance with me. I believe that when I say I want to be loveable it means this is not my desire of how I want to be but rather how I want others to be with me. 

 Smile my Smile!!!!!!!

When heart pined for a drop of rain

Found a thousand trickling down the leaf

They mingled with earth leaving no stain

Where the flowers bloomed in disbelief

A soul swirling in sea of emotions

An ocean of emptiness laying still

No dearth of heavenly devotion

Yet that pain rising up the hill

My angels cried all my tears

& the heavens fought all my fights

Then why did I fear all my fears

My friend! Come and hold me tight

You help me heal my hurts

Make me smile those smiles with you

Come lift my spirits with your flirts

Make me dance that dance with you.