There is always a light

There is always a light
Don't be afraid if you are alone or surrounded by darkness. In some part of the world, the day has just begun. There is a always a light waiting for you to find your way to touch its radiance.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Reflections: Myriads of Thoughts...a storm outside

By Surajit Dutta
Copenhagen, Denmark  



I just woke up from a nightmare. Took a few gulps of water to calm myself down. As I lie down I can't sleep anymore. Myriads of thoughts flash through my mind. I look around to see if my son is sleeping and the way we sleep in our family bed tells the story of my life. A picture of the way we sleep tonight (and every night) is what it takes to explain the ties in our family. I sleep on the extreme left side of the bed made of single and a double bed joined together. The agents have been extremely generous to provide a large configuration of the bed in this posh new apartment that we moved into last year. Of course, the divides between the beds remain even after joining them, and that in a way is symbolic. I sleep on the left side single bed, my son in between and then my wife takes the larger bed in that order from me. Wifey is sleeping peacefully on the other side and our son hugs his mom. The two make a perfect picture. I try to reach out for my son, but the gap is too wide. I retrace my extended arm and give myself a hug and a drop of tear involuntarily makes its way out of the corner of my moist eyes.
I do not fit into that picture, how much I want to be. Myriads of thoughts flashes in my head, they are clouded and I can hardly hold onto a single thought in my mind. My wife is breathing peacefully, unaware of my thoughts, unaware that I am crying 3 feet from her. My son is too innocent and uncomplicated yet to understand me and for many many years he will remain so.
 So it will be me and this space on the web and whoever wanders to this place surfing through the net and has the patience to read this, will share my innermost feelings. I welcome you, one in a million stranger- lets share a few thoughts over a cuppa.
 I see you sleeping in my arms..., no, my hand to be precise, in a pub. I feel like caressing your face, the same feelings I had in the pub. I see you jump across puddles of water, one brick to the other, in a city street. I want to be as graceful in my movements. I see those lines in your hands and I try to read my name there, and a picture flashes through my mind... that of a journey into the unknown.
I do not know where this will take me, I will find it on the way. I only know that I have started on it, retraced a few steps that I had taken before, but today, I do not fear the unknown, not afraid of where life takes me.


What is it about you that spoils me endlessly?
What is it about you that urges me relentlessly?

What is it about that I find so rejuvenating?

What is it about you that enlivens my hope and fills me up with emotions that I try to hide?


I do not know if it’s about you or is it me just trying to find my own self, trying to find an anchor. I have all my life been trying to connect to someone from my own innermost being. I have searched for that one woman for whom I could die and live for since I was 14. All these years of searching, falling, hoping and crying have bled my emotions dry.
However, you have that magic touch that floods me with emotions and desires that I thought had deserted me. In a life where I have crumbled emotionally, I see you as my only chance for survival.

Trying hard to face another day
No more left to give, nothing left to break
Melting in the sun, breathing in the day
Falling into love and climbing out again

There's nowhere left to run
No more tears to cry
The river's running dry
There's no more left to give
Love has left me dry

Reaching out beneath a sea of pain
Riding high on waves of hope again
Chipping as the stone face cracks away
Crying out again as my bones break

There's nowhere left to run
No more tears to cry
The river's running dry
There's no more left to give
Love has left me dry

Why is every minute like a year
What if we could save ourselves from this
Life is such a bitch and it gets worse
Fate is like a rope around your neck

There's nowhere left to run
No more tears to cry
The river's running dry
There's no more left to give
Love has left me dry - love has left me dry


I have goose bumps all over me. I feel you everywhere around me. I have felt you every waking moment. I have been counting my moments, minutes, hours and days, thinking about a life that could have been, thinking about the life that has been. You are all around me, but I just can’t see you, I cant touch you. It’s been like the words from that song from Andhi ..."I have no grievances against a life without you, but life has not really been a life without you." I still derive my strength from the thoughts of those precious moments that I have shared with you. Thank you Princess, for being my strength, for being my hope. Though I might have failed to express it all these years (I have always been a failure with my expressions - not only with you, its true for all my relationships - my parents, sibling inclusive), I just want to say this once, that in these moments, the very little that I have shared with you, I have loved you more than anyone in my life, probably only second to my dad.

21 comments:

  1. Profoundly moved!

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  2. Very well written. Straight from the heart!

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  3. Brilliant write up

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  4. What depth! Did you ever manage to find that perfect woman? Do they really exist?

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  5. Wow...leaves a scar on the face of the soul. But to repeat pankaj's query, does such a woman exist?

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  6. There is a man and a woman for each one of us and very often you come across him or her at a time when your intentions are not sincere or are not prepared to make that commitment, and you let him or her go. I have been fortunate to have come across two such women in my life - one in my growing up years and the other much later, but in neither case have I been able to hold onto them, probably because my commitments were not strong enough, not strong enough to convince them that there could be a future for US.

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  7. I am a little confused now. I thought you meant "one" such woman/man for each of us. How come you found two then? Plurality and still exclusive? Now how on earth is that possible?!

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  8. Prodipto,remember when the writer says two,its that as of now...how many more might come???There is no perfect man/woman or things like soulmates.Tell me how can such a thing exist,as the basic soul itself transforms over a period of time,and likewise prioreties and outlooks.It is then,when the older relation wears off to find a newer 'soulmate'.
    Plurality is the truth,exclusiveness is relative,as its transient.Today's exclusive might be tomorrow's old,and finding solace and strenght are all the mind-games that we play with ourselves to believe we r deriving from the new relation.In truth we r trying to pleasure our mind with the feelings(again we feel)are not adequately available in the present relation.
    Plurality is the only fallout in this case,as commitment is not a priority at all,as the soul seeks a yet newer soulmate!

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  9. I fail to understand how can you deny a thing like soul mates? The soul, my dear friend changes forms only in the outer world but the intrinsic quality remains inert, or permanent so to speak. How can one soul in one lifetime have multiple soulmates? Sounds like a joke, does it not? My one and only one...and there are sooo many of them?????? Now, that's really weird!

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  10. Now I'm convinced that my fellow anonymous friend is as confused as the writer in understanding the meaning of a soulmate.
    Duality of focus is an escapist's explanation of missing his target. If you talk about searching and finding a soulmate, the commitment to this person unseen unheard of is often much before you have actually met the person you know to be your soulmate, You don't choose or decide on soulmates. They happen to you right from the start.

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  11. To Prodipto and all....I am not a puritan, I dont care for the concept of a soulmate, neither do I care for what the world thinks of duality/ plurality or exclusivity. I stand for only what I believe in is right. I know as I have grown up through the years I have changed, my outlook has changed, my spirit has changed, and through different phases of my growing up I have had different needs for a woman and as I said there were 2 women who have made an impact on me and on my soul.... who cares which one of them is a soulmate or not.

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  12. Pardon my understanding, but your own confessions/ imagination on a lonely night appeared to be directed towards a single woman in this piece. That singularity of emotions actually intensifies the depth and enhances the soulfulness of your entire write up. Also, correct me if I am wrong but I thought your explanations later sounded self conflicting. You did emphasise on that particular "one" at one point and then moved to saying that you dont "care about the concept of a soulmate". Maybe, I am not able to see it in the right light as our many others (obvious from the lines of comments you have managed to attract). Whilst none of us wish to take a peek at your private life, could you elaborate on your thoughts a bit more than what appears to be random rambling of a very confused ordinary man in love with two women and not knowing whom to channel his thoughts to

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  13. Thats a very simple and honest explanation from the writer,the fact that the search wd continue.As life does not stop.The whole set of needs change,so pluality is the natural consequence.
    And yes,there r very few'ideal' things in life.Wats ideal today wd not be tomorrow.And yes as one grows,he/she evolves and the soul in us changes,its just the natural order of things...Nothing just nothing cd be Permanent,it wd grow then.

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  14. Is that supposed to mean nothing about a commitment is sincere beyond that particular frame of time? I completely disagree. There are people, though very few, who have found an answer to that search and they are happy with the results not just for a moment, or some time. They are happy for a lifetime. I agree with Prodipto that the depth of the piece loses its meaning if it is directed towards two women.

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  15. there are soul mates..and we come across them in our lifetime..they come disguised..and we'll never know that they were our soul mates until the hour of separation..

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  16. I agree with Saira, Swati and Prodipto that there are soulmates. I have nothing against the author's personal choice of one or two impactful women who influenced his life. But how can he pass a generic statement denying the existence of soulmates just because he clearly never found or got his own?

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  17. Instead of all the debate, can someone recommend Richard Bach's 'ONE' to Mr Surajit please?

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  18. Yes soulmates do exist.. Every Human Being hold to the notion either consciously or subconsciously that there is one perfect, preordained partner for them.I also say the same thing as Saira said.You will never know until the hour of separation...

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  19. Soulmates...those in a happy state of relationship believe they have found it....till time gets by...monotony n boredom show their ugly teeth...the idealist go on to beleieve...he or she is out there somewhere..

    It could just be a survival theory...somthing to ache for...maybe even more about being in love with the concept than the individual itself...trampling on hearts and souls sometimes, making mockery by running pillar to post in just trying to fullfill some emotional ambition....or simply break monotny in the name of love..

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  20. Ladies and gentlemen, lovers and friends, to those who have loved and those who have fallen only to stand up once again, I come here not to convince or be convinced about one way or the other. I am not here to change your beliefs and convictions of a soul mate; neither do I want to believe anything beyond my own personal meandering experience through this journey that we call life. To all Bach lovers, I am one myself, but still limited to a literary experience. My own thoughts come from my beliefs and experiences. As a teeny-weeny thing and through my early 20s I also believed on the concept of oneness and singularity. My later years experiences have changed my notion. I will not deny any of these women, the joy they have given me, the elation of the soul that I have experienced with each of them, one for almost 15 yrs since I turned a teenager, and the other much later. This piece of my writing was for one of them who in her own way helped me rediscover some of my emotions that I had always thought had deserted me. So which one of these women is my soul mate? Does it really matter what title you bestow upon them? Will I ever be able to trade the influence of one for the other? And if by refusing to deny any one of their existence and influence I become an ordinary man, so be it. I am not seeking extraordinary greatness or immortality either, as long as I am enriched by my own experiences. Extraordinary experiences come to ordinary (wo)men.

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  21. This was an'ode to love',as i said previously,why do we need to count.Its the feeling we cherished and held onto,much after maybe the real thing hads ended;which got the writer to share with us,wat he had today.
    ...and for the records,we are all regular ordinary beings here,sure our views are widely different,but no one need to be demeaned or highly estimated here.
    Lets enjoy wat we have today,and wat we get to find in the blogs to come.We wd have our different views,infact thats wat keeps us from being protocols,but lets share them fairly with equal respect.

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