There is always a light

There is always a light
Don't be afraid if you are alone or surrounded by darkness. In some part of the world, the day has just begun. There is a always a light waiting for you to find your way to touch its radiance.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Oh, Let the Divine in me Live

By Anima Dey
Bangkok, Thailand
“Mamma Mamma it’s your call. Someone by the name of kavin just called, wake up please….You’ve slept longer than before….”! As I opened my eyes to the reality, it dawned that I had an appointment with Kavin, to meet him for our 24x7 resort time. I tagged my breath and got ready in a hush. Kids were all set to go and spend the day & night with their cousins, while I had my evening and night planned with Kavin. On our way as we drove my mind was clustered with moments of yore. What had I done & achieved so far? Where and how I walked my own destiny? Who did I trust? Who did I miss? Where did my choice go wrong? Where & what will the right seem like?
Viva – The Vibrant Diva as my friends referred to me with love. I left for UK to pursue my Masters in architectural design. I was taught that anxiety does not come from thinking about future rather from the thought of controlling your future. Whenever I started getting used to the soulful chiaroscuro of pain and peace, whenever I used to start getting used to my destined solitude, “Happiness” used to confront me and enquire about what’s going on. If I lamented then “Happiness” used to console me, If I ever tried to appear happy, this same “Happiness” would state non-chalantly “someone else is awaiting my visit, I must go”, it used to go away leaving me back to yearn, to tell about myself.
I lived the lessons of life keeping complete faith in my aspirations & decisions. A pride for my family and friends I had made it big in corporate world, and despite having led a flourishing career, I had to leave it all after my separation with Vandel who had been my love and life partner for 18 years. Yes, a love I tried to nurture and give up the world for, a love I fought so hard to keep, but somehow Vandel was unable to remain connected, and remained aloof always. We found out he had been cheating, lying and having several illicit relationships outside marriage. He managed it all very secretively and it took nearly 14 years to find the truth. Someone rightly said, “A Lie comes with a life which ends at some point, and Truth comes as immortal…it lives forever”. Before parting amicably, the yearning of physical and emotional bonding had become a one-way road; my desperation to emotional bonding was his exasperation for freedom to delve out for fun and fulfillment. It had been one-sided fruitless effort from me to live in our relationship. He had often condoned extortionate rejections, & abandoned sentiments although on an outer layer as society saw it, life pictured great, super healthy family of a man woman and three amazing and adorable kids.
I learnt, a woman looks more secure in a man’s eyes when he can’t pull her away from her life, because she is content with her life. Don’t know why I became that nice girl, giving away too much of me, when pleasing Vandel regularly had become more important than pleasing me. Maybe he thought I nagged and tuned me out, I forgot to speak with actions so he could pay attention, just like his actions spoke louder than his words to me. But my separation with Vandel taught me – “The ability to choose how I wanted to live and want to be treated are the two things that gave me more power than any material object ever gave before.” My parents taught me that “Truly powerful people don’t explain why they want respect; they just simply don’t engage someone who does not give it to them.” I did just that and lo! Behold we were left with a great life of respect my three adorable angels and me.
One such usual rainy day as it was pouring cats and dogs, I was struggling to get a taxi back home with kids, and to my dismay couldn’t manage, when suddenly a car appeared, the glasses went down, the face looked so familiar, like an old time friend, was it Kavin? He asked us to jump in. Not believing our luck we all jumped skittishly. A little wet and little agitated, I sat with the three kids all snuggled up to me, Kavin introduced himself again and we exchanged a quick usual warm hello. It was great that he recognized me, after 25 years of not having seen each other or met each other. How did he manage? I started wiping my wet arms, and suddenly Kavin lowered the air con. I thanked and he looked in the rear view mirror and smiled, as I looked in the mirror and our eyes met, a chord struck and whispered. Having connected after 25 good years, we had a lot to catch up on, I knew he had been married to Sherry, so I dared to ask, what followed was shocking. Sherry lived in a despondent state for months, for no adequate rational reason & had finally committed suicide after 7 years of their marriage leaving Kavin single since, he was still recuperating. We spoke nonstop, about our lives experiences and he dropped us home. We exchanged numbers so we could remain connected. Life suddenly felt so great. There was something strange happening inside me, but I hadn’t got my call yet.
That night I pondered back, Rains reminded me of the teardrops that rolled over my eyes just to dry away, Romance reminded of the pigeons their eggs and the newborn, Heart reminded me of the man who cheated me and used me just as an opportunity to reach for the sky, Friendship reminded me of Kavin; his boy-next-door face, his joint thick brows, his piercing sensuous eyes, & his naughty smile. The aesthetic gratification in Kavin’s eyes just left me beside myself, without a heartbeat, could I ever love again, The song, the rain, and his sensational eyes piercing into my soul, his lips straight and that mysterious smile on his face, as we both stared daringly in the mirror. What was happening between us? My body shivered and heart started pounding, I could somehow connect with his accordance, his silence but was it real? I decided not to gaze at him for a while, but something was drawing me closer to his feelings, and the look in his eyes was mesmerizing me, could he be fixating at me, or just that I am mistaken; maybe he is driving and needs to look back. So I decided to ignore my hunches for a while, suddenly I could hear the volume of the song being raised, and his looks killing me with his stare. “I’ve been meaning to tell you, I’ve got this feeling that won’t sub-side, I look at you and I fantasize, Hungry Eyes….” The lyrics haunting, eyes piercing, mesmerizing stare, his silence spoke a language that connected our souls, but I just couldn’t accept what was happening to me. Even as we were trying to talk, I could feel his eyes haunting me, and the silence between us confluencing. The moment kids and I entered our rooms; I had a message from Kavin, that he wants me to meet him soon for a cup of coffee. Just myself and Kavin? Is that what Kavin meant? My heart & soul resonating in sync with my soul’s rhythm allowed me & I answered “yes”. I was surprised at what I had just accepted, but again, I was compelled by this urge that was beyond my control, it was divine, supernatural maybe.
As he picked me and we left for the coffee shop, just about few raves from me, and he stared, with his enchanting eyes casting a spell on me, I dared to hold touch his hands, and he clasped it strong. The same feeling again, and stronger with each clasp, Oh! What was happening? This couldn’t happen to me now. Then suddenly I felt a gush of warmth, Kavin’s fingers running through my hair, my eyes closed, his thumb gently feeling the contours of my lips, I said in a dimming voice “Kkkaaaavinnn dddd…..ooooo…nnnnn…ttttt DO this…. Kavin….just drive”. He said “Open your eyes, look at me, now say it again”. Kavin had a smile on his lips that was inviting, a stark staring madness in his eyes that was enchanting, he stated loudly “Say it now baby…” That moment he brooch my hair little stronger, His face close to mine, his lips waiting to meet mine, and just then he teased the moment and moved away from me, leaving me in that stance, laughing and driving very slow. Oh! What was happening, how was this happening, Why were those passionate teases so pleasing, divinely desecrating. Time was slipping and so was I, whatever was happening was just beautiful and so purely natural, I could do nothing to stop it.
We reached the coffee shop and walked together, our hands brushing, our passions colliding at every brush. Kavin put his hands on a seat and I put mine on the same, this time my hands were over his, I clasped them strong just like him, his lids lifted in a daze, I stared and smiled, and we both looked away. I loosened my grip and he struggled to take his hands off. “People are watching Viv…”he murmured firmly. “What did you just say” I asked Kavin, “look in my eyes… now repeat”I said naughtily. I smiled in ecstasy, as Kavin was blushing. We finally settled down for a milkshake and coffee, There was so much to know from him I was blooming of happiness, peace and tranquility, my inner divine was so nimbus yet calm. As time came to part, we decided to meet yet again, to spend an entire clock day of 24 hours. What are we saying; I asked him, “Can u imagine both of us at this stage in our lives wanting to spend more and more time with each other”. Kavin stared back, spoke gently “It’s perfect timing Viv, before or later could have been mismatch”. He winked and smiled, and didn’t pay heed to my words. There was a plethora of passions lying wild between us, it needed to be harnessed. I returned to pick the kids up so they could get back to their routine, no guilt, no shame, an amazing strength to handle life’s pains, it was so overwhelming, that I remained in trance even after returning back home, and found myself only dreaming of when we would meet again and how we meet again. He sent a few messages and I returned them, and the date and place was final for our third meeting.
“Mom, why are you so silent today”, Angie shrieked in my ears. “Oh! Nothing angel, my beauty, just wondering if you all will be fine tonight with no mommy around you.” “Yes we will be fine please don’t worry, you enjoy your night out with your girl friends.” Yes this is what the kids had been told, I could not have shared the fact that I would be spending whole day and night with Kavin. I dropped them at their cousins house, we did our poochies smoochies and I left for the resort. Kavin was to pick me up at a bus stand. I waited and he arrived before time. Our drive to the resort was exotic. We had loads of jokes to share and that made it all easier. We reached safe & I called the kids to wish them well, and turned my mobile off.
As we entered the room our words mated simultaneously, so strange. “Signs of Good Luck Kavin,” I said “when the kids say words simultaneously they shake their pinky’s to lock good luck,” “Oh! Let’s do the same then Viv, let us lock our good luck as well…” Kavin urged. He just turned and in a second opened his arms to me; I was drawn in like magnet. I felt a world of Divinity, completeness and purity in his embrace. He whispered in my ears “You are beautiful, you are perfect Viv….”. I shrugged him away, and started laughing, so where is this going to lead Ka……vviiinn.” By the time I could complete my words, the moment, the magical moment had dawned, we held each other close, something was just spinning around, and I felt that rush, and our rhythms unified perfectly. My cheeks to his cheeks, gush of warmth, clasp of hands tightening, and his lips to my cheeks, felt wet and cold, and what followed was sheer joy to each and every part of the soul, body and mind. I pleaded “I can’t do this please…I am sorry I can’t do this, Kavin”. And he held me tighter and closer and said “look into my eyes baby…. & Say - Do It”. Just as my eyes met his, that resonating stare, the mesmerizing urge, I couldn’t help but agree and I unsparingly said “Do It Kavin…Do It”. I can’t recollect what followed after that every moment felt an illusory feat. No guilt no pain and no shock. How come? And what was all this, could I have really experienced such a bliss, it all felt surreal, so divine and everlasting. How could it be so prefect, so peaceful, so impeccant and so beautiful, when in society it should have been lust, how is it that it just did not feel carping at all? We decided that this bliss was solely between us and we would cherish it as a soul mate’s surrender. Would we live such moments again, time would tell.
Time must speak so life can ask; desires must speak so dreams can last. I got a note the very next day from Kavin, that read :-
“You are so adorable Viva, I tell u honestly the day I saw you, I felt the magic between us. I had stopped living life, my life was a bane. No music, no love, no teases, no colors, no inspiration and all was dark. Suddenly you came and changed the way I felt, no one could need you more. Since we have lived those moments, I want to bring the music to life, live the teases to love, splash the colors back to life, I want to fill the sounds of silence with your silly talks our jokes and laughter. I don’t know when & if I can live with you, but you live in me as my inspiration, as my soul. I knew instantly, if you were my soul mate that you and me will “Do It” someday, maybe not so soon or so many times in so many beautiful ways, but I had dreamt of us and that feeling was hibernating & I kept denying myself cause I was afraid I would lose you, or that u will think I am not a respectable man, that I am reaching you for lust. I felt time would take you away from me if we sinned but u changed the way I felt by not asking for anything, you actually made me so very desperate and helpless. The first time I saw you I drowned in your aura and I felt such a strong attraction, but was afraid, I wasn’t sure how express it. I couldn’t help but touch, want to hold you, and ‘do it’ all in love with you. Honestly when it happened the way it happened it all seems magic to me, a magic I could live forever and that leads to only more and more magic. Believe in me and I will let the Divine in you live with me forever.”

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