There is always a light

There is always a light
Don't be afraid if you are alone or surrounded by darkness. In some part of the world, the day has just begun. There is a always a light waiting for you to find your way to touch its radiance.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Faithful Disregard

By Anima Dey
Bangkok, Thailand
I am Macy, “The Docile Dove” faithfully named by my dearest friends in the hostel, you remember me through the story “smile-my-smiles”? I was all in all a recklessly hopeless romantic and please don’t ask if I cared. Those were the days when my inane world carved a romantic dream under starry skies, with a clasp of the sturdy fingers and shoulder to lax my face, sounds of distant music whilst those toes tickled on feet. An ocean in the heart, flowing tides in the eyes, stolen dream in my palms, although it all seemed a huge question mark, yet I believed probably it was my only answer, Oh! Is this my solace or is it my passion, whatever it was must be lived. “As Shelly wrote “O lift me as a wave a leaf, I fall upon the thorns of life I bleed”! Ha! I so believed someday my prince would fly me away to ‘Ever-Happy’ land where happily ever after would glitter the morning rays of the sun, and shimmer the starry nights in crescent skies. That said of course the dream meant that I would marry the man who’d stand by me through blinking weathers believing in me and my core artistic accomplishments, working with me & on me to keep our magic alive. The man who’d live our love as a legend and shower me his undaunted support, beyond his pre-designed performance or my failed reasoning; & in return I’d weave him a home where we’d breed faith & regards. Life actually granted me this dream wish, so it looked to me then. Mom often tried to wake me up to the pragmatic truth, dad warned me not to steal moments from branches of time, lest my world would be lost to contrition. But I lived what I believed then as life had almost conceded my woven thoughts.

Daven, and me had chanced whilst studying in the same institute. Although a year senior to me, we had common friends who’d often yoke us. He was ravishing, chic, voguish and a nouveau riche with curly hair covering his brows, deep set lotus eyes and rosy red lips. His smile was distinguishing, and when it was for me, girls only raged in jealousy. His built was broad shouldered and model like, whereas I was tall and lean, He was secretive yet aggressive, I was open yet submissive, He was glamorously inclined, I was academically inclined, he demanded attention for his looks, I earned attention for my achievements, he was an out and out action man, I was a woman of thousand words. So Daven often found pleasing me a very stimulating challenge in his life. We were complete inverse in our indefensible polar positions and all our friends believed we could make the best life partners if we quelled our magnetism to induce attraction for diversified qualities in each other. He was a heart-throb and girls swooned over him, although he did enjoy all that attention yet when around me he’d remain grounded and it didn’t bother me much of what he did when he wasn’t with me. He was to some extent communicative about his love and that’s what mattered then. He belonged to a well to do family and was the only one for his parents. We were young and life had a long way to go.

During our initial courship days, my parents had often suggested our diversified approaches to life however complimenting would grow the roots of disregard for the two families. His parents were also not too keen for me as daughter in law initially, and had often expressed their discontent in more than many ways, yet Daven was so determined, that every argument, would summarize, with his dad and mom relenting to their only son’s wishful demands. If that meant our marriage they would relinquish that as well, but I would have to prove my worth to gain their respect and love. I worried my guts out at this but Daven would more than corroborate and synched in with my resentments by his “Faithful Regard”. His mom was very genitive of Daven, he was the only one they had and she held him near her as the man in her life, but Daven had very harmoniously proportioned every unethical circumstance. Despite a daunting opposition from his parents he had managed to convince them and me of our steadfast fidelity. He lived by his own credo that both of us complemented each other and that I am the calm he needed in his otherwise very ushering life, I could be his anchor and my trust and faith in his achievements made him so confident that he believed so he needed me at every step of his life. I thrived and lived on just the facts that what the world saw then was only outwardly but Daven filled up for all those outrageous allegations the world had mouthed.

The first few weeks after our much awaited marriage were a fragrant bloom. The love between us was purely rhythmic, aloneness yielded in the realms of togetherness and togetherness harnessed in the bower of aloneness. A few cold rainy nights, the hailing lights of the reclining flames, the paths never ending, sounds of the busy feet stepping, an ocean of tide, shady trees luring, hand to hold, few words of caring, a valley of intense love, rocky mountains firm and strong, the mile didn’t seem too long.

“By the light of the silvery moon,
Our kiss got its silver lining,

Could hear the heart croon,

As we saw our dreams shining!

Let the moments lark,

And the miles go on,

Let the night spark

And Kindle spirits of dawn!”

After a month of blissful togetherness, finally Daven got an ad offer that promised an uphill career abroad. That was such a perfect flight for the fancy dream I had nurtured since we were committed. Life flew us to a new place, new people, new responsibilities, new food, new culture, new friends & a whole new meaning of family. Reality hovered and our world began its own coveted journey where happily ever after became confined to a predetermined fate rather than posing to be our greatly desired destination, so did we realize. It took a toll on our emotional and physical existence. Our dependence on each other shadowed our ethics reshaping turpitudes of modern society. Our togetherness had begun to shrink down to merely few minutes per week. Daven faired wonderfully most of the times though, and I was failing more often than I had thought or expected. Separation anxiety massacred my soul, and I sat bemused watching Daven move away from me inch by inch. Purgatory moments, had slowly and steadily begun to kindle piques in proximity and my heart bled on this tired splendor as my existence near him faked our marital identity.

As couple of months lived in doubts, Daven’s behavior exuded pathetically erratic patterns. I would have to often remind him to rekindle our coveted faithful connection so I could weave our home closer where he could return when tired and toiled. I was so definitely missing some link but what could that have been? Amidst those changing tides a few more waves retched a lot of resentment; I would be summoned time and again to spend time with his mom and dad as they had not had the pleasure of my service. Although I had often squatted at the thought of living through my tests without Daven around me, to my dismay time was only bridging it closer. As I recollect my first or my last journey alone to live with his parents, living those series of verbal abuses and outbursts, my crying out to Daven to come and save me and my ever supportive Daven turning a blind eye and deaf ear to my clamant. My tears bled, and eyes numbed for this weathered Daven - who could no longer harmoniously proportion every unethical circumstance. Tides had risen to meet the Satan’s moon. Not much would change in him after I’d return from my in-laws summons & my failures at meeting their expectations. Was I really waking up to what my mom said ‘pragmatic truth of life’?

I had read once “The only thing stable in life is – change”. It was time I thought for me to stabilize on that change so I worked on myself. He would return home to me, yet not for me, besides me yet not with me & would continue to abruptly staccato his presence as I lived emotionally forlorn. If I’d try to draw his attention to my fears, which I would do after careful thinking he would express saying it was the new roles & responsibilities in our lives and the situation that was weighing on his mind thus he was unable to show all of his feelings. Sometimes he’d relate to our situation quoting- “after marriage our relationship should open new avenues where it would be unrealistic to expect too much togetherness.” The expression of love could extant awhile. He’d often say he didn’t need to woo me as that challenge was already met with and that he had newer challenges awaiting his destined portal. My Dad had insisted before that I should not have stolen moments from branches of time, lest moments would wither, was this seasoning actually happening?

Every time Daven spoke of those derived fundamentals I would numb with a strange emptiness. His words had hollowed, his silence echoed, yet I would have to believe in every word he’d speak, at times so much so that I had practically stopped believing in myself. I’d plead more than often, allowed him to do all the he passionately desired, so he could think & fulfill all his aspirations keeping the connection between our souls alive. Despite our having busy schedules thriving on our new found aspirations, I pleaded to squeeze moments of togetherness in our days & nights, not to burden Daven but to relive him and his enthusiasm. I felt shocked he didn’t care so much for my touch that had calmed us both in rough storms. In his endeavor to touch the skies he flew on his wings of desires, leaving me to just watch his flight of fancy. I felt a sense of failure in my new acquired role. The buds of my faith began to wither slowly. Yet some magic in my heart compelled me to believe that high tides would subside again and that Daven would realize what he is missing in his life rather, our life together. I remained a bit confused – was that Daven the real one or was the one before marriage the real Daven? Did he just do all that to woo me and compel me into this marriage? Did he ever believe in soul mates? Did he just exude his love because winning me and my trust was the biggest challenge during our college days? Would he learn to live beyond challenges as well?

A part of me was dying inside and a part of me was breathing hope every second. I lived very confused and often fumbled in dealing with relationships, at work or at home & in my duties towards parents. The connection between us was mostly impeded by ambitions, was I the one letting it all fall apart by expecting too much out of Daven? I had always wanted to marry a successful man and see him do wonders in professional world but to be on top is to be away from the one you love the most, or is it to share that moment of being on top with the one you claim to love the most? I had read umpteen times before “Tell me ABOUT LOVE and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand.” I’d often quirk my soul - is it wrong in pleading for that touch of love, kiss of passion, & the embrace of warmth in our days and nights, sharing an inch of earth of his success. Often I’d call my parents, but wasn’t sure if I could discuss this with them, & then I’d let go thinking it was just a passing phase of life and part of growing up.

Our first anniversary was the dilapidated day, the forgotten day, when he had returned from work in a trancelike ecstatic state, after the meeting with his colleagues & friends, he changed quickly and slept over, while I had waited intently. He hadn’t realized that while changing his shirt pockets had emptied on floor the picture of him with this girl. I froze, felt a warm gush of blood rise up from toes, quickly to my head. I had to grab the knob to hold on to my own weight, as I slowly picked up that picture and my eyes stared at the two of them, smiling a smile, I hadn’t seen him wear; when around with me lately. Pounding heart beats perched to skies, even skipped a few beats, my damp eyes chanced upon my revered Daven, who slept peacefully as ever. Could I impel, or could I shunt this impious truth. The night mixed with dew, and all my hopes bid adieu, as I saw myself alone, and my Daven no more nigh.

With extreme caution I confronted him next morning, but his words felled me, He had begun to see the women at work intelligent, smart and sexy and dutifully sentenced the emotional me as being dumb and useless failure. I gathered, my sacrifices, or my reasons to be his home maker had been irrational and dreamy, as he worded I was no longer of any use to him in his career and that I needed to spend time and be of need to his parents instead, so he could have his space and freedom. His verbal expressions shocked me and left me lost. His parent’s disapproval of my existence in Daven’s life, and his confession left me no clue of what was happening in my life. Where was all this heading and that too so soon? I resuscitated, I was never his kind but then wasn’t that, what had drawn Daven to me?

Next day after a forgotten first anniversary, Daven held my hand, said he wouldn’t mind if I wanted to start afresh with my kind of a man. He said I could take my time and decide, because I was a complete mismatch for him in his life. I stood there with a very lawfully faithful disregard, I don’t remember what happened after that. My senses narrowed to zero, The man whom I trusted would stand strong to guard me self respect, the man I showered my love & trust was in front of me to give me a silence of a thousand words with faithful disregard. I stood numb absolutely dumbfounded at what he had spoken with much ease. I had not informed my mom n dad and how would I really tell them and how would they really take this. Wouldn’t they just die at what Daven spoke, just as the thought had crossed my mind the phone rang, a strange voice spoke heavily, my mom and dad had met with a shocking accident & everything was over.

Crrrrrrrrrrrassssssshhhhhhhhhhh! A moment of spin and the world stood still before me. Daven helped me lie down, can’t recollect much of what I said but all I understood was my prayers were answered, yes they would not live to see me separate from Daven. I then remembered the days rolled beneath deep blue sky, when I didn’t have a care in the world as mom and dad would stand by. However, when the ‘happily ever after’ failed that day after being poisoned by all the fairy tales, it was left to the lawyers to dwell on our very small detail. There was no return to innocence that time. He booked us on the first available flight; it meant a life-long travel of empty hours, Oh! What an ordeal! I couldn’t imagine life without them, and nor could I imagine life with him. Should I just wait for time to break the silence?

My eyes chanced the mirror, it relieved me, at least someone who stood there knew me, silence echoed between us calling out to me, my breath pleaded “Daven turn to me please, hold me in your arms again, Give me one more night of you, let me feel life just one more night please!” Yet, unheard that was the soulful end of a journey of our faithful regard towards each other. The silence that manifested uncurled in it the awkwardness of his own words. I knew then that the one I had as my love would not be able to keep me in his prayers. Something in my soul died forever that night as I lay in bed besides Daven; as the silence was most faithful and life continued with his “Faithful Disregard.” - The Journey of life was his desire and the destination was his choice, I was also his desire, people around him were all his choice, living forever with me was his desire, and deciding otherwise was also his choice, marrying me was his desire, then forgetting me was also his choice, As I was alone I sat and wondered at times, when everything and everyone was his desire, then was my loneliness his or my God’s choice?

Faithful Disregard!!!!

In your eyes deep as ocean

I often drowned in the tide,
Moments thwarted my notion
My breaths clambered to decide.
With faith your love preached
And my soul healed the dent
Your gentle touch I beseeched
Every hope in heart you lent
And I felt so sure so near
Entangled to your emotions
You were that distant peer
Hiding behind my veiled devotion
Yet with time our love perished
And my heart abound by clouds
Reflects memories I cherish
And at times brim me with doubts
Should I name that bond?
Our souls shared so deeply
The twine that knit our souls
How could you rip so grimly?

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful as always! Keep up the good work, Anima.